There comes a time in every relationship when the thought of cheating occurs and for some people it is merely a fantasy but in my case it became a reality.

You never know how simple situations or comments can allow you to venture into something you really don’t know where it’s going. In my case the marriage had become stagnant with the same day in and day out routine. I would here the Nine Inch Nails song “Every Day is Exactly The Same” and feel as if it were my life. To become complacent in a marriage is the unhealthiest act you can achieve and I was there.

It could have been so easy for me to speak my mind or open up about what I was feeling but my own bravado was never going to let that happen. Instead, I sought out a “friend” with whom I could confide in and for the most part connect with as I once had with my spouse. It wasn’t very hard, merely searching out old friends on Myspace and Facebook opened doors like I would never know.  Simple comments about how the marriage was rocky and I was no longer attracted to my spouse created a bond with the other person, since their situation was the same. I had met someone for a casual dinner and the conversation was so elating that it carried me back to when I first met my spouse. All those new and fresh feelings arouse from me as if it were high school all over again. I have to say here that my actions became similar as well.

So there I am dating another person while married and getting myself into a juggling act that was driving me crazy. I had to lie to my spouse in order to see the other person and lie to the other person to keep them interested. I was awash in a myriad of emotions: happy, sad, angry, paranoid; never knowing what was going to happen from one day to the next. The excitement was like a rush that kept me going not realizing I was getting deeper and deeper.

Inevitably, I fell for the other person in a way that I truly did not want and found myself pulled between the marriage and the cheating relationship. There came a point when leaving was an option I was pondering but then what about the kids? Was I destined to repeat the pattern from my parents and have my kids suffer the way I did? I could no longer keep the charade going on either side and finally spoke about it to my spouse.

The conversation was not easy nor was it simple but I gained and overwhelming sense of relief when I finally told my spouse. My confession opened up a dialogue between us that we had not seen since we first got together. We finally admitted to each other how we felt and looked at how we came to this point in our relationship. We made the decision to seek counseling since there was so much confusion and emotions surrounding the situation. I began to see how my actions were selfish acts to escape from a life I thought I didn’t want. What I came to learn was my fear of change and growth in the relationship forced me to think of only my own happiness and selfish desires.

A relationship is a living organism that needs to be nurtured and shown a way of growing. I must admit my ego was bruised initially from the counseling since I thought there was no need, but what I came to realize was the outside view was more insightful then my own narrow window. I do regret my actions and the pain I caused my family and friends. Through all of this I gained a deeper appreciation for those people around me, especially my spouse.

The ideal relationship was always there, I just needed to take off my blinders. The grass was in no way greener on the other side.

Hello everyone and welcome to our first blog. Some of you know us quite well and others are just getting introduced to us. It’s exciting to be able to write about topics that interest the community and allow our clients and others to post their comments, questions, or ideas. Feel free to do so. We welcome your feedback.

With that being said, let’s talk about some things that we are all struggling with: money issues, changes we aren’t OK with, and losses of jobs, things, or people. It’s a very difficult time of year for many of us. We are faced with celebrating the holidays amidst the panic, uncertainty, or anxiety we may be feeling. Sometimes there’s comfort in knowing you’re not alone. And you’re not.

The question is: “How do we deal with this?” There isn’t one magical, healthy way to cope. We all have to find our own. The key is not to lose yourself in the stressor or the emotion that goes along with it. Find something that gives you joy…a baby, a pretty flower, your friend you can be silly with, a walk outside. And do those simple things everyday…at least one a day. It’s amazing at the difference doing at least one thing a day you enjoy will make. If you could be fully present doing it, that is really the key. Anyone can go through the motions but, what if you’re really present when you walk the dog today or drive your car? What happens next is gratitude appears. When there is gratitude, you attract more of that feeling to you – of joy, creativity, peace.

So no matter how difficult it is right now for you, smile..maybe even in the mirror. Go and do it right now. Yes I’m talking to you. It may change the course of your whole day.

Margie Mader, LMFT, C.Ht.

Owner of Growth and Healing Wellness Center